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Fame

11 March, 2006
Posted in: Belgium

I got to write for the Bulletin. My sister asked whether I was abandoning the blog. We discussed as follows:

Me: No, I’m going to post in both places.
Her: The same text in both places?
Me: Yup.
Her: Excellent, that’s the start of syndication where the real money is.

Smoky

Charles Emmanuel, the Baroness’Â’s [our landlady is a Baroness, Belgium abounds in minor aristocracy] current agent on earth, came to install a smoke alarm for us the other day. I had never met him before but when a dashing man in his late 20s wearing a fedora hat and black polo neck while smoking a pipe turned up on the doorstep, I immediately guessed his identity. Charles Emmanuel is, in fact, French not Belgian and was anxious to assure me that his stint as the landlady’Â’s agent was to be brief as he would shortly be going back to Africa. I think he felt that doing the bidding of the Baroness was somewhat beneath him. I said that the Baroness would be sorry to lose another agent and he said, “Oh I havenÂ’’t told her yet”.” I began to warm to him; he was clearly as indiscreet as I am. You will recall that the Baroness and her husband are, to the lasting regret of her tenants, divorced (heÂ’’s the handy one). I asked him whether there was any chance of a reunion. Apparently not, underneath the civil front which their tenants see, the
pair are at daggers drawn.

And while I’Â’m on the subject of Belgian aristocracy (broadly), I feel it worthy of mention that Mr. Waffle’Â’s former bossÂ’’s secretary was a Baroness and she regarded him and his colleagues with the greatest disdain. We met her once in the park and she entirely ignored Mr. Waffle’Â’s civil greeting. He was elated. “Why?” He said enthusiastically that he would now be able to use a sentence which hadnÂ’t been in common currency since the century before last: “The Baroness cut me in the park”.

And, finally, does anyone else watch Place Royale? Look, I come from a republic, I get a kick out of seeing programmes
about monarchies and reflecting that that, at least, is one thing we donÂ’t have to pay for in Ireland – “Point de Vue” anyone? Anyhow, I notice that as a sign of the esteem in which the KingÂ’’s third child Prince Laurent is held by the programme (which remember is largely devoted to Belgian royalty) they sent a trainee to cover his opening of something in a Brussels suburb. Fabulous stuff.

Comments

Friar Tuck
on 13 March 2006 at 17:56

Even if I did share it, it would not belong in this post. Doubly sorry.

belgianwaffle on 14 March 2006 at 09:07

FT, yes, you need to get your own blog up and running. What was that about nagging…

They Love Me

9 March, 2006
Posted in: Belgium, Reading etc.

The intro – I’m going for warm and humourous here.

Mrs. Waffle is a harassed mother of three small children [one two year old and five month old twins] who is based in Belgium and has been writing a blog for a number of years. Allegations that she got this gig by attending an ante natal course with the lifestyle editor [and his wife and Mr. Waffle, she hastens to add] are not entirely unfounded. Though I am sure that you would agree with her that having a baby is going to extreme lengths to get an appearance on the website of a magazine, however illustrious, especially when
one realises that she could just have emailed and asked.

The text (something Belgian related as requested):

Fitting In

I have spent more time in Belgium than many of my fellow ex-pats. My parents, for their own obscure and possibly nefarious reason, took us to Heverlee for a weekÂ’’s camping every summer for many years. My father took us to see the Plan Incliné (a wonder of Belgian engineering – and what little girl wouldnÂ’’t like to see a large lock? Oh, stop sniggering). I shopped with my mother in city2 when it was a sparkling new shopping centre. I worked here from 1993-1995, 1998-2000 and returned here in 2003. Belgium is the country where all my children are born. Mind you, they are not little Belgians; it takes a lot more than just being born here to be a Belgian. I think however, the high point of my integration into Belgian society occurred last week.

I was wandering around trying to manoeuvre my double buggy into the shops at Porte de Namur. I was hindered, not just by the dimensions of the buggy but by the fact that it appeared to set off security alarms in the shops; truly I am blessed. I was perhaps a little crabby with the pleasant man in a scarf who approached me with an outstretched hand. ““Hello,”” he said. ““Whatever it is, IÂ’m not buying it”,” I thought crossly. ““Remember me? I’Â’m the waiter from the Rose Blanche“”. And then, I did remember him, he looked a bit different in his civvies, but he had made the Rose Blanche our regular stopping point in the Grand Place.

Like all foreigners, we used to go to the Roy d’Espagne but despite the presence of high chairs, the place is horribly child hostile (if you are childless, you might like to make a mental note of its suitability for you). The waiters hate you, your buggy and your offspring and make no effort to hide it. The Rose Blanche is an altogether more sophisticated and less draughty establishment boasting no high chairs and a large open fire. You might, therefore, be forgiven for thinking that children would not be particularly welcome, but you would be wrong. The staff there are lovely. This particular waiter once gave the Princess seven pieces of chocolate (you know, the piece of chocolate that is your statutory right with every cup of tea served in Belgium) which she promptly stuffed into her mouth before her horrified mother could relieve her of them – but his intentions were undoubtedly good and earned him a disgusting chocolatey smile from herself.

Anyway when this waiter finished cooing over the boys and saying he hoped to see them soon in the café, he took himself off leaving me feeling all warm and fuzzy towards the Belgians. Yes, they love me, of course I fit in, they’d be lost without meÂ….

Comments
poggle
on 10 March 2006 at 09:29
And was madam running up the curtains after all that chocolate? My nephew used to go doolally after much less than that.
beachhutman
on 12 March 2006 at 00:20
Never mind the CURTAINS.
But the danger – for sure – is that they’ll grow up believing chips need mayo.
{WHAT? There are other Belgian traditions? Nah}
belgianwaffle
on 12 March 2006 at 21:11
Thank you Bobble. Pog, yes. BHM, at a birthday party at McDos this am (too hideous to speak about) chips were served with mayo and ketchup. Felt you should know.

Fame!

9 March, 2006
Posted in: Belgium, Reading etc.

For most of the next week I will be here. You are free to guess whether this is because:
a) The Bulletin magazine did an extensive trawl through potential expat bloggers based in Brussels and selected me to do a weekÂ’s guest blogging on the basis of my entertaining writing and penetrating insights; or
b) I know the lifestyle editor of the Bulletin.

If I am feeling energetic, I will also post my entries here. I may even meta-blog and talk about the challenge of thinking up material for the Bulletin. YouÂ’’d enjoy that.

Comments

chintzybling
on 09 March 2006 at 13:00
Well done by the way!
poggle
on 09 March 2006 at 13:06
Gosh – fame!
expat in california
on 09 March 2006 at 16:44
After reading your blog for the last year and thinking “I wonder who’ll play the Princess in the movie version?” – your big break is imminent! Congrats and keep it up – I am hooked on the adventures of the Waffles!

Friar Tuck
on 09 March 2006 at 16:54
I suppose you won’t be associating with the likes of us anymore, not now that you’re famous and all.
belgianwaffle
on 12 March 2006 at 21:07
Thank you Chintzy. Um, yeah, pog, you lived here, the Bulletin? Hello Expat lurker, thank you, are you Irish, just curious. That’s right FT, when is your blog going live?
poggle
on 13 March 2006 at 09:00
I didn’t live there, waffley – just visited a few times when the FFF was working over there …
belgianwaffle
on 14 March 2006 at 09:05
Well, pog, I think all the same, you probably know what the Bulletin is like…

poggle
on 14 March 2006 at 09:09
I probably do, waffley – I’ve lived outside the UK quite a lot and I don’t think those expat papers vary much ..

The Old Ones Are the Best

6 March, 2006
Posted in: Belgium, Work

A man in a hot air balloon over the Belgian countryside realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. Descending a bit more he shouted, “Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don’t know where I am”. The woman replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above the ground, between 40/41 degrees latitude, north, and 59/60 degrees west, longitude”. You must be a middle-grade Commission Official”, said the balloonist. “I am”, replied the woman, “I’m a Grade A*8. How did you know?”

“Well”, answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct but I have no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I am still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If
anything, you have delayed my trip.”

The woman below responded, “You must be a Senior Commission Official”. “I am,” replied the balloonist, “But how did you know?”
“Well,” replied the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault”

Cross-Purposes

15 February, 2006
Posted in: Belgium, Princess

Princess: I made a mask for Carnaval.
Mr. Waffle: Did you? What colour is it?
Princess: Lots of colours. And it has feathers.
Mr. Waffle: Where do feathers come from? Do they come from fish?
Princess (in some puzzlement): No, they come from Madame Marie.

Bobble
on 15 February 2006 at 21:32
She’s astute alright. God I miss Carnevale, I could do with a fritelle and vin caldo around now.
href=”http://www.20six.co.uk/beachhutman”>beachhutman
on 15 February 2006 at 23:09
Of COURSE they do! Silly Mr Waffle. Tutt.

belgianwaffle
on 16 February 2006 at 08:36

I know, Diva, BHM silly old us.
Bobble, Carnival is a bit different in Belgium. See http://www.carnavaldebinche.be/

Linguistic Regime

4 February, 2006
Posted in: Belgium

In recent times, the question has arisen as to in what language announcements should be made on trains (that is rather cumbersomely put, but you appreciate what I’m getting at here). In French speaking Wallonia, announcements are to be made in French and in Flemish speaking Flanders announcements are to be made in Flemish. So far, so straightforward.

But what about in Brussels which is the capital and officially bilingual (though, de facto, French speaking)? Announcements should be made in both languages you might say, which just shows how little you know about the matter. You have not addressed the vexed question of which language comes first; the Belgians have. There are three main stations in Brussels. In Bruxelles-Midi announcements are to be
made in French, then Flemish. In Bruxelles-Nord announcements are to be made in Flemish, then French. This leaves Bruxelles-Central. Which language should have priority here? Worry not, a solution has been found, in odd years announcements will be made in French then Flemish and in even years announcements will be made in Flemish and then French. I swear I am not making this up.

Friar Tuck
on 04 February 2006 at 19:03
If they would just speak English, there would be no problem. The Flemish are almost there anyway.

belgianwaffle
on 05 February 2006 at 12:58
Berry, Mr. Waffle wants to know what happens in Ottowa and New Brunswick? He was born in Canada, he takes a special interest. You are funny, FT, START YOUR OWN BLOG.

a href=”http://www.20six.co.uk/Berry”>Berry
on 05 February 2006 at 13:54

I’m not too sure in New Brunswick but I’ll find out. In Ottawa, here is a quote from their official language web site “all documents published by the City or its agencies and addressed to the public appear in both official languages (instructions, regulations, municipal by-laws, etc.).That publications be made available in both official languages simultaneously or in the language of the target group (i.e., schedule of courses in French).”

Bobble
on 05 February 2006 at 23:43
Does that explain why the station staff are so unhelpful at Midi then? You really couldn’t make this up could you.

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