Archives for October 2004

“IÂ’’m sorry, LJS, but our relationship is strictly professional and won’Â’t stand punning. JoJo tossed her head and her long, dark silky hair shimmered. Lazy Jack Silver was entranced by the hint of steel in her wide blue eyes. Not since Pog had refused to let him wear his favourite sweat-stained T-shirt had he seen a woman with so much determination. Attempting to recreate “the look” that heÂ’d perfected over the years, he gazed into her eyes but she pointed a perfectly manicured finger towards the door and whispered, “Leave, LJS. I canÂ’’t help you.”  She turned her attentions back to Elliot who had been happy to lie on his play mat whilst his mother carried on with her demanding career.

As LJS stumbled towards the door he heard her say “Perhaps you need to think about the one known as Waffle.  The woman who claims to live in Belgium.  As he closed the heavy mahogany door behind him he heard her muttering “what is it with this guy, why can’t he settle with a decent Cork girl?”

Meanwhile far away over the Alps HJB was propped on her goose-down pillows, sipping a glass of champagne and reading Hello magazine. Casting it to one side she decided that was the last time she invited No Mobile to take photographs.  Perhaps the time had come for her to join forces with the person known as Waffle who claimed to live in Belgium.

LJS emerged from Jojo’s office shell-shocked and blinking in the sunlight and the intense glare of a photographer’s flash bulb.  “Paparazzi” he thought – really, that was all he needed.  “Over here LJS” called a woman he had seen somewhere before.  Could it be, was it really Bobble?  Before he could be sure, she melted into the crowd. “Wait” he called after her, pushing his way angrily through the group of paparazzi who had fallen to the ground to try to get a good shot of his manly jaw for the following day’s tabloids; LJS in police custody was a good story..

He caught up with the woman and grabbed her roughly by the elbow.  “What are you doing here” he said harshly “you were supposed to be in Italy..”  Bobble shrugged her graceful shoulders. Jack grimaced “Doing HJB’s dirty work, I suppose”. “How dare you?” exclaimed Bobble and gave him a ringing smack on his manly jaw.  LJS smiled reluctantly, she could certainly pack a punch. Perhaps she had severed her connection with HJB although he seemed to remember that she had done the photoshoot for HJB’s recent spread in Vanity Fair but then those Hello pictures had had No Mobile’s fingerprints all over it.. He didn’t bring it up.  “What brings you to Cork?” he asked.  “What’s it to you?” she said.  “Ah come and have a drink in the Long Valley and we’ll discuss” he said grinning at her.

In her Swiss fastness, HJB smiled grimly. You had to hand it to the Swiss, their satellite technology was outstanding and she could follow every move Bobble and LJS made.  She picked up the phone to Waffle and said “LJS has taken the bait”.  Meanwhile back in the Valley, LJS was saying to Bobble “I have just thought of an excellent pun…” HJB sighed and closed the satellite link, she could always get an oral briefing from Bobble later.

*Author’s note – and still no puns people.

“What’ll you have?” asked LJS.

“Just a mineral water” said Bobble primly.

LJS glanced at the crowd around the bar and then looked again.  “Hey” he said to Bobble “isn’t that Norah Splogg behind the bar?”

“Norah Splogg, Nobel prize winning astrophysicist and best-selling author, pulling pints, I hardly think so” said Bobble sarcastically.

“No need to be sarky” said LJS “perhaps she’s doing deep cover, I heard she worked for the NHS to get material for ‘Alan and the Coconut God'”.

“Really, do you think so?” Bobble was excited despite herself, she loved Norah Splogg and it was so thrilling to think that she might be here in this very room.

Up at the bar, Norah was pulling a pint and reflecting bitterly that the lab coat look which employees in the Valley favoured was not one which was flattering even on a good hair day.  LJS sidled up.

“Hello Norah” he said “pun in the oven?”***

Norah looked at him frostily.

“Is that a pun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?” he smiled hopefully.

“Hot cross pun?” he ventured

Norah looked up from beneath her mop of perfect dark hair.  So this was LJS..  She wondered what Heather needed him for.  When Heather had called her in to help in relation to his abduction, she had been annoyed.  She had just signed up to do some interesting work at NASA and her publishers were putting her under pressure for her next book.  She didn’t have time for HJB’s intrigues.  But Heather wasn’t in the mood to take no for an answer and Norah knew that she owed Heather.  Also the financial incentive Heather offered was not inconsiderable.  When Norah had been a poor grad student, she and Heather had worked together on a number of shady deals. Norah was going straight now but she wasn’t so sure about Heather.  Sure, it looked good, Heather had her private trust fund and didn’t need to do anything illegal.  But Norah suspected that HJB liked the danger and excitement.

Meanwhile, back in the snug, Bobble was thinking fast.  HJB had said that she would have help in carrying out the op; she had, however, refused to say what form that help would take.  Bobble remembered having seen a picture of HJB and Norah Splogg together in Vogue, years ago.  Could they be friends?  Could Norah Splogg possibly be Bobble’s accomplice?

****Author’s note:  puns supplied by Mr. Waffle, don’t blame me.  Norah, Mr. Waffle has asked me to assure you that this does not imply you are or ever were fat. He also suggests that I add the following: any person who alleges that he or she, his or her heirs, executors or assigns, sevants or agents have in any way been depicted in a manner which is unfair, prejudicial or otherwise, should note this EXCLUSION OF LIABILITY (not valid in Hawaii or in Vermont) and should seek legal advice before reading further. Please tick box to confirm that you have read and agreed to the terms and conditions written in invisible ink and which may be varied at any time without notice at the discretion of the author.