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Archives for October 2004

Part the eighth

14 October, 2004
Posted in: The tale of Lazy Jack Silver

LJS squeezed through the crowded bar to the quiet of the snug where Bobble was waiting craning her swanlike neck to see where was.

“Here you go” he panted, “God it’s fierce busy out there, let me draw you a Venn diagramme to show you what I mean”.

Bobble snatched away his pen and said “That won’t be necessary LJS”. He took a sip of Beamish and blinked in surprise, it was bitter. “Something’s up” was his last conscious thought. Bobble gazed thoughtfully at the prone figure beside her. Just how had HJB managed that, she wondered. At that very moment, Norah stepped into the snug looking businesslike. “My God, it is you” gasped Bobble “are you working for…” her voice trailed away. “Yes” said Norah, “I’m working for Heather and I’ve just knocked out LJS with something nasty in his pint”. Bobble winced. “Oh it won’t do him any harm” said Norah bracingly. “But, how do you know Heather and why are you involved and..” Norah cut across Bobble’s questions, “No time for that now, we’ve got to get him to the car waiting outside”. “OK” said Bobble, “I just need to go to the bathroom. “Oh” said Norah “I wouldn’t, one of the staff here is a loo nastier, just come on”. They carried LJS outside. It was late now and he was just another punter who’d had too much to drink being lugged home by his friends. They pushed him into the waiting car and sat in beside him pink from the effort of supporting his manly frame. “Gosh” said Bobble “nice big, vroomy car, pity about the dent at the back”. The car pulled out and drove to the airport.

Back in Brussels, Waffle was on a secure line to HJB “I’ve been thinking about it, get Norah in. I have a lever, I’ve seen a man hanging about her place and then, ..”

“That won’t be necessary, darling, everything has been arranged” said Heather smoothly.

Waffle was impressed, you had to hand it to HJB, her network was extraordinary.

“And” continued HJB inperturbably “she’s got LJS, they’re on their way to the airport now.”

“Have they been seen leaving?” asked Waffle urgently.

“No, darling, relax, everything’s fine” said HJB.

Back in the Long Valley, pog reluctantly took out her mobile phone. She was wearing a green skimpy combat vest which looked amazingly attractive on her perfect figure and drew attention to her elfin, Kate Moss like face. This was her bomb defusing outfit and she’d just finished some work for the army and was having a well earned break.
“Jojo hi, it’s pog, I’ve just seen something odd.”

“Pog, hi, where are you?”

“That’s not important, oh actually, it is, I’m in the Long Valley and I’ve just seen LJS leaving the bar with two women, he was out cold”.

“Well, LJS’s drinking and other habits are hardly important to me” said Jojo coldly.

“Well, it’s not like I care either” said pog briskly “I mean our relationship is dead and buried, but… I remember he could always hold his drink, this isn’t like him.” She paused “I think he’s been abducted”.

“Don’t be ridiculous” said Jojo ” who would abduct him?”

“Heather” said pog succinctly.

“Pog, what do you know about this?” asked Jojo in alarm “Look, don’t move, I’m coming round straight away.”

“I’m going nowhere” said Pog picking up her pint and settling back in her chair. It was going to be a long evening.

Comments
Bobbleon 14 October 2004 at 13:22

Have this to be going on with.Now I know why my arms felt tired this morning.

poggleon 14 October 2004 at 13:37

Zowee! This is getting better and better!
(just one little tiny weeny titchy thing – Heather has the Cindy body. I’m more your Kate. Kinda. Ahem….)

belgianwaffleon 14 October 2004 at 13:43

Um, darn (most popular word in the waffle house at the moment replacing the f word, now barred), pog, who’s Kate?
Ta, Norah. Bobble, I’m afraid you have become a bit M&B rose but it’s all your own fault for starting it. I fear you may faint when you see who’s driving the car.

poggleon 14 October 2004 at 13:51

Dearie me, waffle – just how many supermodels are there called Kate? Ay? 😉

Bobbleon 14 October 2004 at 14:31

Me faint? Darn.
I like to think I have hope of redemption though.

belgianwaffleon 14 October 2004 at 20:58

Pog, oh dear, I don’t get much sleep, you know…sigh. Well, Bobble, we’ll see.

Locoteson 17 October 2004 at 21:04

Well obviously the pint took him out – Beamish?!? The man’s a blatant Murphy’s drinker after all – none could resist such a shock to the system when they’re not expecting it. (only with extreme preparation before trips to Dublin). Glad to see that maybe…just maybe…there might be a female character actually sympathetic to his plight. Dressing in skimpy outfits just adds to the enjoyment.Good stuff though waff’, the tension is building nicely.

belgianwaffleon 17 October 2004 at 21:27

Locotes, you feel he’s a Murphy’s drinker, well, I’ll bow to your superior knowledge, matters will be rectified.
Pog, please note amendment.

poggleon 18 October 2004 at 12:02

Mah’vlous, thank you darling. And so true.
*coughs*

Car hire outrage

16 October, 2004
Posted in: Miscellaneous

I was thinking about going to visit my parents in Cork for a week in November.  And I was thinking that I would hire a car to get myself and her highness from Shannon to Cork.  And it is criminally expensive.  Which of the following charges would you describe as unreasonable:

– 40 euro per day extra for baby car seat hire

– 25 euro per day location surcharge (if you pick up the car in an airport or a city location: um where do car hire offices usually live?)

– 50 euro drop off charge if you leave the car off somewhere different from where you picked it up.

And I haven’t even paid for the bloody car yet.  I only wanted it for the day to get me up and down to Shannon.  I fear that if we are to go at all, my poor parents may be pressed into service.  Or, I suppose, oh horror, we could get the bus.

Comments
glowstars

on 17 October 2004 at 00:50

I’d only go for the bus if the journey is relatively short and it comes complete with either toilets or stopping points.
Nope, I’d draught in your parents! lol

Locotes

on 17 October 2004 at 20:41

Well I’m assuming that Cork don’t do Belgian flights? I’m trying to remember how long a drive it is to Shannon – would the bus be that bad? (Don’t get me wrong, I hate buses and avoid long trips like the plague). Maybe you’re more worried about herself and the almost inevitable noisy tantrum that will lead to evil looks from fellow passengers.But yes, that does sound like crazy money, especially for the seat, just bring your own! So if it’s not too stressful for them, I’d do some parent-roping.

belgianwaffle

on 17 October 2004 at 21:30

Jack, it’s a hard airport to get to. I would bore you with the details, but I can’t face it. Glowstars, Loc, I think your advice is good and I may well rope in my unfortunate parents.

Princess’s vocabulary at age eighteen months

17 October, 2004
Posted in: Princess

Personages of the royal household

Our courtiers can be divided into human and non-human. Among the humans, most important are Mama and Papa (a.k.a Daddy). Other courtiers, including our ambassadors abroad, are Genia, Dida, Nicolicola and Nana. Opinion is divided on whether Nana is a specific person, or a general category including Granny and Granddad.Chief of the non-human courtiers is of course Doggy, a.k.a Goggy or Chien-chien. As in all courts, the order of precedence for lesser courtiers constantly changes: recently, Lola has been in the ascendant, but her star may be waning in favour of Hop-Hop.

Other persons

Outside our kingdom, there are other independent monarchs who are known to us but do not pay us allegiance. These include  baby L*** and her mother. Another personage of unknown but impressive powers is Louis.

Expressing the royal will

The royal will can be expressed with few words. Oui/yes and no/non suffice for many occasions (the latter is especially firm when required). Commands can be expressed by down, up, back, catch, more, là, there, this, ça, and manger or by a suitable noun (e.g. bottle). When pleased, we have been known to say nice. Events which are displeasing to us can be communicated by ow, bump, bold and another word our mother is keen for us to forget. When mingling with commoners, we have a suitable range of small-talk to put them at their ease: hi, allo, bonjour, voilà, now so, coucou, all gone, bye-bye, au revoir and OK. When in Italy we learned ciao ciao so as to repay the homage given by the locals. At times the attention is overwhelming and we feel shy. Our royal status means that many things are given to us as our due, but we are at least familiar with merci and ta ta.

Science and culture

We are a Renaissance princess, highly cultivated and familiar with a range of natural sciences. It is often our royal will that the courtiers should bring us a book/livre and enthrall us with The Cat in the Hat or the Dinosaurs.

This has given us a wide acquaintance with popular culture: we like the chorus from She’ll be Coming Round the Mountain where we go yay yay yay and slap the royal knee. Another favourite with actions is “Row Row Row Your Boat” which is accompanied by suitable rowing actions and the words row row and may may may for merrily merrily. This can cause confusion with songs from the Gallic side of things: the popular favourite “It était un petit navire” has a line which goes “sur la mer Mé mé méditerrannée” and again is commanded by a subtly different mé mé sound. On the other hand, Meunier tu dors is unmistakable and is our only complete sentence.

In addition, from our books we are familiar with aspects of the animal kingdom: while out on the street, we are easily able to identify a bow-bow (or woof ) or a miaow, quack-quacks and cheep-cheeps. Thanks to our book Lion Misses Breakfast we are also familiar with lions, known to us as roar. Lions are often seen in Brussels. Our knowledge of animals which go moo, baa, neigh, eew-aww and bawk bawk (hens to the uninitiated) is a little more theoretical but we can still recognise them in pictures.

From the vegetable kingdom, we know leaf, flower and daisy (which triggers another song). All fruit on trees are called apple. One of our first words at the seaside, after sea, was shell, and we are able to spot fish at all stages from the wave to the plate.

We have a firm grasp of human anatomy, at least as regards the head: nez/nose, bouche, oreille/ear, teeth, eye/oeil, chin. Beyond this, things are more sketchy: we know knuckle, tummy, thumb, toe and possibly knee. We have an elementary grounding in medicine: cough and atchoo. We are on firmer ground in physics: hot/chaud, wet, cold and l’eau.

Food and drink

Like Louis XIV, we sometimes have a “petite levée” (when the monarch rises, attended by a small number of courtiers) and a “grande levée” (attended by the whole court). Unlike the Sun King’s court, our operations run 24 hours a day. A petite levée at 3 or 5 in the morning will be an informal affair, in which the monarch will call for lait/milk or simply boccle (a.k.a. bottle). At the grande levée, the monarch will often have porridge and toast (pronounced tote); occasionally she will take an egg. These are consumed in the royal high chair, before the Princess has donned her attire for the day. As a result, it is wise to have a bib. When out and about, the princess will sometimes call for some Giga (a.k.a. Liga) or baisins (a.k.a. raisins). She eats chicken, fish and cake and may help her mother to drink tea. She also likes pain (bread). After a meal, she will sometimes eat a bape (grape).  Meals are eaten with a spoon and the end of a royal meal is announced by “all gone.”

Exploring our kingdom

When leaving the palace to explore our kingdom, we dress as befits a princess: shoes, socks, tights and a coat. It may be necessary to changer our nappy before putting on these items.  If it is cold we may wear a scarf and hat. Many of these clothes fasten with a biz (zip). They require frequent trips to the wash. Our kingdom is sometimes damp if so, our attendant brings a brella (umbrella).

On leaving, our attendant locks the royal palace with a key (on our return, the captain of the guard will open the door if we knock). We often take the lift to where the car/voiture awaits traffic often provides an occasion to say beep beep. If we wish to mingle with our subjects, we take the tram or bus and wave regally to lucky commuters. If we see a baby, we may issue special greetings. Very rarely we take a train, and we do not quite connect it with our toy choo choo.

Unwinding in the evening

One favourite ritual is the royal bain (bath). As the day comes to an end, we go into the room where our mother takes her shower. No such rushed ablutions for us: after a luxurious soak and a splash with our toys (a ball/balle is especially good for getting everything wet) a courtier covers us with a warm towel. Hop là ! A cuddle, a night night and it’s time for dodo.

Text drafted by our royal father and approved by us.

Given under our royal hand and seal on the 17th day of October 2004 at our castle of Brussels in this the 18th month of our reign.

P.R.

Comments
dmts

on 18 October 2004 at 08:51

brilliant.

Bobble

on 18 October 2004 at 11:00

Fabulous. This has made Mr Bobble want children even more.
*oh heavens*

poggle

on 18 October 2004 at 12:24

Lovely, waffle .

silveretta

on 18 October 2004 at 23:35

Excellent.

belgianwaffle

on 19 October 2004 at 19:57

Thank you one and all on my loving spouse’s behalf. Silver, do you mean the sweetie or are you stirring? Too late now anyway, we’ve eaten it.

silveretta

on 19 October 2004 at 22:53

Waffle – I meant it most sincerely.

belgianwaffle

on 28 October 2004 at 12:38

Ok, then Silver.

Part the ninth

18 October, 2004
Posted in: The tale of Lazy Jack Silver

Through the driving rain Heather and Maureen watched the black helicopter circle the Schloss obviously trying to pinpoint the landing area.  There were moments when Heather worried that the pilot wouldn’t manage to land given the fearsome weather conditions. Finally the pilot negotiated a landing and Heather breathed a deep sigh of relief; at last she would have LJS exactly where she needed him.
Waffle swung her long, shapely legs out of the helicopter and jumped onto the tarmac.  Waving to Heather, she turned back to the helicopter as someone helped The Princess into her waiting arms.  The Princess struggled free from her mother and walked swiftly and steadily towards the two women waiting in the shelter of the golden pergola.  Heather looked at Maureen whose complexion had turned ashen and she realised that she was remembering the blessed Reginald. In as gentle a manner as Heather could manage she touched Maureen’Â’s hand and told her, “it will be okay, trust me.  It was too difficult for Heather to consider MaureenÂ’s feelings until she knew that LJS had been brought to her.  She needed to see him being taken from the helicopter and until then she would be in torment.

As the storm built in intensity so did HeatherÂ’’s nerves.  It had been so long since she had felt this level of anticipation, this level of excitement.  When she saw the extra-long stretcher with what could only be LJS strapped to it she bowed her head to hide the tears.  Not even Maureen could be allowed to see how much this meant to her.

Within a few moments they were all gathered inside the spacious entrance hall of the Schloss watching the attendants carry LJS up the baronial staircase to the East Wing.

““Fuck”.” The imperious tones of the Princess echoed around the entrance hall.

“Hello, darling” Heather knelt in front of the Princess. “Would you like a biscuit and some squash?”  She turned to Maureen, “Have we got some crayons or something for the Princess?”.

The Princess raised her eyebrows and sighed. “Do you realise I have an IQ that is beyond measurement and youÂ’’re offering me crayons?  Settling down on the deep red Persian carpet in front of the roaring log fire, the Princess took a crayon and pondered for a moment.  It seemed to her that they would be here for some time so now was as good a time as any to write the libretto for the opera she had been planning.  This, as far as she was aware, would be the first opera in Sanskrit.  Pausing only to call for biscuits, cake, toast and grapes she worked silently.  Growing bored with the idea of the opera she decided to teach herself German.  “Fick dich” she announced.

“You’Â’ve done brilliantly, darling” Heather smiled across at Waffle.  Maureen frowned and said “we really need to move onto the next stage”.  Her voice shook slightly and the women knew this was because of the great responsibility that Maureen was about to take.  Now timing was crucial.

Comments
poggle

on 18 October 2004 at 12:27

I am agog …… again ….
And Princess’s first word made me laugh out loud, thereby scaring the scientists – again.

dmts

on 18 October 2004 at 17:29

can you wait for the next thrilling instalment, Bobble?
Yes, pog – I wasn’t sure I’d get that one past Waffle, to be honest.

poggle

on 18 October 2004 at 17:41

Well, she can hardly censor you when she’s already told us, H ….

silveretta

on 18 October 2004 at 23:39

I fear electricity may be involved at some future stage of this nefarious plot. My third of LJS won’t react well. Unless there’s alcohol too.

belgianwaffle

on 19 October 2004 at 19:54

Silver, alcohol and electricity, I like it.
Ladies, Princess was saying “fork”.

Bobble

on 20 October 2004 at 00:50

It’s her accent Waffle, as I said previously.

on 01 November 2004 at 19:28

Hey – I missed this somehow. By all accounts it makes no sense, as like the rest of 20six I’m here eagerly pressing refresh every 3-5 seconds in the hope of a new installment.

NorahSplog

on 01 November 2004 at 19:29
(
Comment Modified) Oh, and when I finally do find it (cunningly hidden at the top of the LJS catagory – I see how you outwitted me there) I forget to say how fab it is. and how I’m dying to know what happens next.

dmts

on 01 November 2004 at 20:34

thank you Norah – there is another exciting episode for you now.

Bad hair day

19 October, 2004
Posted in: Work

If you interviewed someone with the following hairstyle would you give her the job?

1980s mullet at the back

1990s fluffed up in the middle

1980s asymmetrical fringe at the front

Do you think I’m joking?  I now look a little like a Kajagoogoo band member.

Comments
jackdalton

on 20 October 2004 at 00:07

No.

Friar Tuck

on 20 October 2004 at 03:52

Depends. How low would your neckline be?

poggle

on 20 October 2004 at 12:47

Which one? C’mon – you can tell us …..

jackdalton

on 21 October 2004 at 11:00

I think she means ALL of them at once. A kind of hybrid from hairdresser hell.Punishment from the Gods for the creation of that nefarious monster LJS, no doubt.
🙂

Kal

(Homepage)

on 21 October 2004 at 11:49

Picture! Picturepicturepicture!

poggle

on 21 October 2004 at 12:13

Is he nefarious?
Excellent ….

jackdalton

on 21 October 2004 at 16:38

Bad to the bone, I reckon….. but at least he has hair that can be seen in public without fear of arrest by the fashion police.
[He does… doesn’t he? ]

poggle

on 21 October 2004 at 17:43

I assume so, Doc. Haven’t heard a single slur about his barnet, anyway …..

dmts

on 21 October 2004 at 21:09

mmm. we haven’t really touched on LJS’s hair yet have we, waffle? What sort of hairstyle would a great romantic hero have? But never mind that, what’s LJS’s hair like?

poggle

on 22 October 2004 at 11:57

D’you solis might let you have ‘byronic’?

johnhumphries

on 22 October 2004 at 13:08

We went to Devon on holiday last year and all the bus drivers had haircuts like that!

jackdalton

on 22 October 2004 at 18:02

Coffee & Cake? It?s sort of a blog event. Small select gathering. Invite Only?

belgianwaffle

on 28 October 2004 at 12:31

Hello there, been lying low with my head under a pillow but am about to get up and face the world

Better hair day

28 October, 2004
Posted in: Family

It’s looking a little healthier now, thank you for asking. My infant daughter has got used to the novelty and has stopped pointing her finger at me and giggling.

In the past week I have had my friend Gaza M to visit, my parents in law to visit and generally been involved in a whirl of gaiety.  Stay tuned for further details.

Comments
NorahSplog

on 28 October 2004 at 12:42

The hair looks lovely Waffle.
My mother maintains that she always thought she looked lovely until she had a daughter to put her straight.

poggle

on 28 October 2004 at 12:43

Sounds like a good week. We are pining for further instalment of the LJS tale, by the way …..

belgianwaffle

on 28 October 2004 at 12:49

Oh Chintzy, alas, not hers, mine. Her hair is still a bit thin for ribbons… Norah, thank you, you are too kind. I see where your mother’s coming from though. Pog, every spare minute in the past week has obviously been spent mulling on the fate of LJS, worry not.

jackdalton

on 28 October 2004 at 12:50

Thank god the hair is sorting itself out 😐
And no we’re not… ignore Pog.

chintzybling

on 28 October 2004 at 12:55

Ahh righty, sory Mrs Waffle..still..pink ribbons always look good.

belgianwaffle

on 28 October 2004 at 13:06

Jack, ah you love it really. Chintzy, am in entire agreement re ribbons, but may have a fight on my hands with the rest of them.

Locotes

on 28 October 2004 at 13:12

Well I personally feel my general absence has obviously left waffle in trouble coming up with new and exciting material for LJS – seeing as I surely make up the main thrust of the character (as it were).
As for the hair, good luck with the growth – a bit of length is always a good thing. And of course it gives herself something to swing off if biccies aren’t coming fast enough…

dmts

on 28 October 2004 at 13:39

and the swiss end of LJS is deeply apologetic for not having done anything – I’ve been having a bad hair year….

belgianwaffle

on 28 October 2004 at 21:16

Well then Locotes, get back writing. I presume the flood waters have now subsided and you can make it to a computer safely. Heather, I think we’re making them keener by pausing..

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