Cork

Saturday, July 23

The children and I went to Blackrock Observatory in the morning where they have been many times before but they still really like it. For the first time I got there without getting lost.

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At lunch time we met my husband and sister [who had spent the week moving from Leiden to Cork via Dublin – it’s complicated] at my parents’ house. Hurrah for the cavalry. I had a rather relaxed afternoon and Mr. Waffle drove back to Garryvoe [Penalty points!! Don’t worry, Daddy’s driving!]. We stopped in Castlemartyr for chips for the children’s dinner. I am not proud.

Mr. Waffle and I went to Ballymaloe for dinner. The setting is lovely but the food is really only alright despite the excellent reputation. Every time I go there, I swear I won’t come back but yet, there we were. There, I’ve said it, I’ll probably be barred from Cork forever.

When we got home, the babysitter recoiled in horror when we suggested that we would pay her €10 an hour. “For babysitting,” she screeched, “I couldn’t take that.” This was distinctly endearing. She lived five minutes away and I drove her home. On my way back to the house I got lost and spent 45 minutes exploring the lanes of East Cork. My concern that my husband might be worried about me was unfounded as he was sound asleep on my return – insert mild sigh of reproach here.

Sunday, July 23

I went to mass, cravenly leaving the children with Mr. Waffle. As I went out the door, I heard herself taking Michael’s reading into her own hands – “Listen, Michael, when two vowels go out walking, the first one does the talking.” Daniel, doesn’t need her help.

We found ourselves in the diocese of Cloyne in the eye of the child abuse storm and much of the parish newsletter, when I got to mass was given over to these very distressing matters and I was glad that my two readers hadn’t got the opportunity to give it a look over.

In the afternoon, we dropped Mr. Waffle to the train to continue his labours in the big smoke. The children and I went to the butter museum which is appealing in a low key kind of way.

Monday, July 25

We went to visit our Limerick cousins. My aunt has a small shop from which she doles out sweets to the delight of the children. One of my cousins is an undertaker. When my mother asked how was business, he said “Very bad, same everywhere, no one’s dying anymore.” You heard it here first. Then on to my cousins who have a farm. This is usually a huge success but on this occasion it was marred by the following: one child who sulked and would not get out of the car for much of the visit; a fall in a bed of nettles and one child who fought with all of the young cousins present. A low point was a work call while dealing with several children trying to loudly explain their grievances to me. We will draw a veil.

An anecdote for my trouble: one of my cousins, who was also visiting, works in the research institute in Cork where the Queen visited. “Did you meet the Queen?” I asked him. “Well, I could have,” he said, “but she wasn’t coming until 2.30 and we finish at 1 on Fridays…” His family have form on this. His older brother was supposed to serve mass when the Pope came to Limerick in 1979. “What,” he enquired of the school authorities, “would happen if he didn’t serve mass?” Then he would have the day off like everyone else. He took the day off.

Tuesday, July 26

Recovering from the trauma of the previous day, we spent much of our time peacefully and happily around the house – the children created a club in the shed. It was pleasant. Daniel told me about the wages of sin. He said that no one can forgive my sins but Jesus and that the Bible alone will bring me to salvation. Slightly conscience stricken, I told him that Catholics and Protestants believed different things in some ways – I covered confession, the role of the Church and transubstantiation in outline. The Princess intervened, “You know, Mum, I think Daniel is probably more of a Protestant than a Catholic.”

Wednesday, July 27

We all cleaned the house. The children, in the absence of the mysterious cleaner were a big help with the hoovering. Then we locked up and went to Cork where the children’s kind grandparents gave them a tenner each to spend in France. Joy was unconfined. We went to Shandon; we played the bells; we climbed up to the tower; we looked at the matchstick model of the tower and the old books in the church including a Bible in Irish [those Protestants and their Bible reading again – Shandon is a Protestant church].

And then, we drove home [penalty points, penalty points!] to Dublin.

And, tomorrow, we’re going to France for a fortnight [full description on our return, bien sûr]. I can tell you, my return to work at the end of the month will be painful.

So, are you looking forward to a full description of our second holiday of the summer? Ah go on.

Tuesday, July 18

The children and I drove from Dublin to Cork. Humiliatingly, I managed to turn the wrong way on Dublin’s mighty ringroad. I had to ring Mr. Waffle and ask him to pay the toll twice – once for going the wrong way and once for coming back the right way. The children were very virtuous on the longish drive. They were particularly conscious of my recently acquired penalty points [2 for doing 60 in a 50 km an hour zone, since you ask] and any time that they felt the car speeding up at all, each would make a little comment.
Daniel [in tones of panic]: Penalty points, penalty points.
Michael [drily]: Achem [he sounds faintly Arabic when saying ahem, who knows why?], penalty points.
Herself: Only 10 more points until you lose your licence.

It is fair to say that these interventions certainly had the desired result. We lunched with my kind parents and drove on to East Cork where our wonderful friends have a house which they lend us regularly – so regularly that some of the neighbours think we own the place.

When we arrived, conscious that the house would need to be cleaned before we left the following week, I contacted a cleaner whose number Mr. Waffle had got from a colleague. This colleague had said to him, that the woman would do a fine job but on no account was he to reveal where he had got her number. She said this to him on several occasions but refused to go into the reasons why just saying that it was complicated. The cleaner’s reply to my text was to ask where exactly I had got her number. I said “friend of a friend” but the cleaner never contacted me again. A mystery.

Wednesday, July 19

We went to the seaside and the children neatly divided themselves between the beach on one side of the car park

and the playground on the other

while I ran between both locations making sure that they were still alive.

After we had been burnt by the sun, it started to rain and we drove to Cork city looking for diversion. I decided that we would visit Mahon Point in our search for wellingtons. I was fascinated by this shopping centre which, whenever we pass it at Christmas has cars backed up the motorway for ages which indicates that people are surely desperate to get in. Oh the bitter disappointment, as Michael said, “It’s like the ILAC centre with fewer people”. We took ourselves to Debenhams which, alas, had no wellingtons but we picked up a new kettle for the house. As I was paying for the kettle and the children were all talking at me, my phone rang. I thought that it was a local babysitter and answered in that spirit. [Please insert noises of children/paying for kettle/apologies for taking call into the dialogue below to appreciate the full effect]. I missed her introduction but she followed up with “Where are you?”
Me: In Cork
Her: On holidays?
Me: Yup, are you available to babysit?
Long pause.
Her: I just called to tell you I’ve decided to retire.
Me: Sorry, who is this? You must have the wrong number.
Her: No, I haven’t it’s me, your boss, I thought I should tell you before you heard on the grapevine.

The mortification. The distinct quashing of holiday spirit. I love my boss – she is a really interesting person to work with as well as flexible and extremely brilliant and I was curing her faults – maybe that’s what forced her into early retirement. Alas.

The Princess and I deposited the boys at their grandparents’ house and went to see Harry Potter which we enjoyed. We returned to the grandparents’ to find that their television – a key part of their babysitting strategy – had broken down. With great presence of mind, my mother had lured the boys to the park with promises of chocolate and then made them run races to get it. I think, nonetheless, that our return was greeted with relief.

We went back to Garryvoe where, inspired by the Princess’s tales of Harry Potter, Michael waved around a wand [a chopstick which he had brought from Dublin for this very purpose] and the others were given kitchen implements as substitute wands. Of course, herself wheedled Michael’s chopstick out of him in no time and he was left with a slotted spoon.

Thursday, July 21

We went to the beach in the morning and then to Stephen Pearce’s pottery in Shanagarry for lunch where, astoundingly, not one of the children saw a solitary thing that he or she liked. Michael briefly contemplated a cheese sandwich until he discovered that it was orange cheese and not white cheese [in Michael’s world, cheese and cheddar are synonymous]. We left dolefully but were cheered up by a young potter running out with three plastic bags full of clay which he said that the children might like to play with. They had a great time making lumpen pots and the like which they brought back to Dublin and which [the shame] I have just covertly thrown out.

So, for lunch we went to the Kilkenny design shop which was unremarkable except that the Princess spent all her money on a teddy bear which we had refused to buy for her at Christmas. And also, we were able to buy three pairs of the world’s most expensive wellingtons.

The afternoon took us on our annual trip to Leahy’s Fun Farm which always pleases. I ran into old Mr. Leahy and asked him about the economics of the place [because I am shameless] and his views on the viability of the Valentia pet farm for which my kind brother-in-law has prepared a website. The answers were a) excellent – it supports seven families and b) slightly pessimistic. The children brought home a caterpillar from the pet farm – great excitement – but eventually let it loose in the wild.

[Not a picture of the caterpillar]

Friday, July 22

The children finally plucked up the courage to investigate a group which had been intriguing them. The previous day, we had seen people in red jumpers giving out leaflets on the beach. They were the “United Beach Missions“. Their leaflet specified that they were not a cult, which may not have had the reassuring effect they were hoping for. It seemed to be run by rather nice older ladies from Northern Ireland and, crucially, they played games.

The children started to play games interspersed with God. An older lady and I sat and watched – her great niece was playing too. All the other children were very quiet but mine were roaring out the answers to everything. “Why is this?” I asked the other lady, mildly mortified. She replied, laughingly, in the manner of all Cork people, “They’re from Dublin, aren’t they?” “Do you think they’re being indoctrinated?” I asked. She felt yes but then got distracted by telling me how you could get mass online. I turned my attention back to the children who were now all bellowing out about the wages of sin. The man leading the group, said that everyone could be saved, it didn’t matter who they were or what their ages. Inevitably, I heard Daniel pipe up “What about someone who is 42, my mother is 42.” The lady beside me became mildly hysterical.

The missionaries broke for lunch so we went in to Ballycotton and had a walk along the pier which was nice though windswept [please note crisp bribery].

The children then had a surprisingly good time running up and down the ramp to the lifeboat station – almost as much fun as they had tipping all my change into the RNLI collection box in the pub (you know the one where the ship goes up and down in the waves as the money goes in – an object of huge fascination to my from my own misspent youth in pubs).

We were careful to be back for the indoctrination tug of war which was followed by further bible study [all you need is the bible, there is no need for further enlightenment or explanation – the catholic in me winces] and then a break before the talent show. I went back to the house. We took too long and when we returned to the beach the talent show was over. Michael was inconsolable and ruined the presentation ceremony by wailing “WE WERE TOO LATE” until I bundled him into the car. Daniel took up his role and was placated by a puzzle and yoyo from the missionaries.

To recover from the missed talent show, we went to visit the Ballymaloe shop – part of the Ballymaloe empire – poor choice – rather dull and expensive. The wailing continued unabated. Back to the Stephen Pearce pottery shop on the basis that, though unsuitable for lunch, it might provide an acceptable restorative snack. It was closing. The lady behind the counter, observing the children’s mournful faces suggested that we might buy something to eat outside which we did. Outside was lovely – warm and sunny with room for the children to play some of their newly learnt Christian games. All was well.

That night, after the children had gone to bed, the next door neighbours knocked on the door and asked whether I would like a glass of wine in the front garden with them. They were lovely. She works in the cinema and had only the previous week been to London to see some flick Keanu Reeves was making. “What’s he like?” I asked. “Well,” she said, “my colleague and I were hampered by the fact that we had to pretend not to be overwhelmed that he was talking to us so that took away most of our conversational skills but he seemed like the guy in “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure”. So now you know. I had to leave then as herself marched across the grass to the table to tell me it was high time I came in.

More tomorrow, if you’re feeling strong.

I visited Cork alone at the weekend to celebrate my father’s birthday. It was during the time without the children that I had the chance to speak uninterrupted to my loving family and learnt the following mildly surprising things:

1. I asked my mother who gave us our breakfast and got us up when we were small as I couldn’t remember. Apparently, C, who minded us did and then our loving father drove us to school. “Didn’t you see us off?” I asked her in indignation. “From bed,” said she.

2. Before he was married, my father used to go out fishing in Cork harbour on Thursday nights. One night they caught plaice and my father put it in the hospital fridge (where he was working) with a view to giving it to my grandmother on Friday morning (fish on Fridays, you will recall). Apparently plaice survives for quite a while out of water. Some poor nurse came to the fridge in the middle of the night, poked the bag in which the plaice was sitting and it moved and she brought the house down.

3. My sister, despite being very interested in food and fond of cooking, and despite the fact that my mother loves the market and goes there a couple of days a week, would rather shop in Tesco than the market. The shame.

I said it was random, I didn’t say it was interesting.