Princess

Me: Sweetheart, you know that school is over for the Summer at the end of the month?

Her: Yes, Mummy and I’m going to go on lots of courses.

The Princess loves to identify cars. For a while I thought she could identify them side on without even seeing the logo but then I realised that she was identifying them from the hubcaps. This afternoon I drew a diamond shape. It’s like a “rrennot” she said. “A what?” I asked. We continued in this vein for a while with her getting increasingly frustrated. “THE CAR, Mummy”. “Ah, Mummy says rehno”

This morning, the Princess came running down the corridor to me in floods of tears.

Me: What’s wrong sweetheart?

Her (gasping between sobs): Daddy is torturing me, the big meanie.

Me: What did he do?

Her: The mean old Daddy treated me like Cinderella.

Me: How?

Her: He wouldn’t help me make my jigsaw.

Me: Why not?

Her (she is without guile): Because  he wanted me to eat my breakfast.

Later, while helping her to make the offending jigsaw:

Me: Is there a piece still in the box?

Her (peering inside): We’ll see whether the mean old torturing Daddy left a piece in the box.

The Princess came hurtling down the corridor at me when I got in from work the other day. “Mummy, mummy look!” She was anxious to show me a picture of Mr. Waffle and me on our wedding day. “Look, Mummy”, she said “you’re wearing a wedding dress”. “Yes, darling, that’s the day Daddy and I got married”. She digested this for a moment and then said “But why isn’t Daddy wearing a wedding dress?” Why indeed? Later, we made rice krispie buns and watched my wedding video. Nobody else will watch it with me and I don’t see why she shouldn’t suffer. The poor child gets to watch so little TV that it was a big treat for her (recent pathetic comment “can I watch TV again when it’s my birthday?”). The vid was made by a friend of my mother’s with a camcorder. We didn’t ask for it, but I must say we were rather charmed with it when we got it. However, it is somewhat prejudiced – it mostly features the cameraman’s friend, my mother.  In fact, half of my speech is missing to allow for extra footage of her hat.  Still, the Princess didn’t mind that, but she was very distressed that I wouldn’t talk to her. “But I AM talking to you, honey”. “No, Mummy, I want you on the telly to talk to me.” Can’t help you there, my sweet.

Example 1

Her: You be Daddy.

Me: And who are you?

Her: Me.

Me: OK.

Her: No, talk in French.

Me: D’accord.

Her: Papa est-ce que je peux avoir des crisps?

Me: I think Daddy says ‘chips’ honey.

Her: Papa est-ce que je peux avoir des moutons?

Example 2

Her father shows her a page from a book featuring food, animals and various flora and asks her to point out things you can eat.  Spaghetti is the answer he is hoping for.  She immediately points to a snail.

Her (provocatively sticking her hands in her gravy): What would Mother Borgia say?*

Me (exasperated):  Well she’s not likely to say much, honey, given that she’s been dead for a number of years.

Him: Are you going to explain about death to her?

Me: I think she already understands a bit.

Him: Really?

Me: It’s just that she doesn’t regard it as very final; Snow White, Jesus and Molly Malone are the only people she’s come across who’ve died.

*For reasons far too dull to go into, this nun who taught my mother at school, sets the standard for proper eating habits in our family.  Usually, in this context she would say “use your cutlery”.  Yes, of course, there was a saint Borgia, those poisoners were very well connected.