Me: Do you know where the round table is?
My sister: The attic.
Me: Oh God, any idea where?
Her: No. The attic is like Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle; the more sure you are that something is up there, the less likely you are to be able to locate it.
Siblings
The Agony and the Ecstacy
My brother who, despite his many flaws which I would be only too happy to list, given half a chance, is very kind and generous. Last Sunday, Cork played Dublin in the all-Ireland senior hurling championship in Croke Park the national stadium. My brother got tickets for himself and Daniel to go together (the other two children being uninterested in the prospect). Daniel was extremely excited. I was torn; obviously, I wanted Cork to win, more particularly since Dublin had already beaten Cork in the football and if they beat them in hurling as well (not a traditional Dublin strength) the children would be unbearable. On the other hand, it was Dan’s first match at Croke Park and I really wanted his team to win.
It was a very close match and according to my brother, Daniel really enjoyed it. But, in the end, it was clear that Cork were going to win. Daniel wept into his Dublin flag for the last 10 minutes. My brother said that Cork and Dublin fans alike tried to comfort him but he was inconsolable. When I asked him later what people had said to him he said, “I didn’t listen, I was too sad.” Alas, it is hard to be seven and see your team lose.
Here are the rivals before the match. They posed with a baseball bat for reasons which are not now clear to me. Obviously, a hurley would have been better.
An App to Determine Personality Type
When I go to Cork and I pick up the iPad there are always about 24 updates waiting to be installed. I install them promptly. I hate having them sitting waiting. Indeed when I see one during the day on my own phone, I get all tense that I won’t be able to update it until I get home to my wifi. When I asked my brother why he never updates the apps on the iPad, he says that he hates to be pressured to do stuff by apple so as a gesture of defiance won’t do it. I think that this may sum up the difference between my brother and me. Are we extremes of a spectrum? Does anyone else even care? Let me know where you stand on this great debate.
Fire or Your Mother is Always Right
My sister left a message on my phone, “Don’t panic, but we’ve had a small fire.” I called her.
My mother had put a leftover piece of Christmas hamper wrapping on the fire expecting it to turn to ash but it seemed to be made of sterner stuff and flared in an alarming manner [I think it was some kind of wood-like substance but I am unclear. Evidence is now burnt.] My mother yanked it out of the fire still burning. My parent’s front door can only be opened with a key (yes, from the inside and the outside, yes, I know it is spectacularly awkward) so in her wisdom, my mother decided to bear her burning wrapping to the back door – through 4 rooms. My father who was, until her arrival, sitting happily in one of them, leapt to his feet and opened the door for her. My father is 87 and normally walks with a stick. We can take this as a sign of the urgency and excitement attending my mother’s adventure or, alternatively, he is only pretending with that stick.
My brother was in the breakfast room and my mother asked him to open the back door. My brother has a fatal desire to get to bottom of everything and insisted on asking how on earth this had happened as my mother stood holding her makeshift torch and dropping bits of flaming wrapping on to the floor. My sister at this point rushed in and opened the back door, tossed out the burning wrapping and doused it with water.
“What lessons did we learn from this adventure?” I asked my mother. “That everyone is very slow except for your sister. And also that it’s very hard to get out of this house.”
Home Truths
When I was in Cork, my mother said, “Oh Anne, we would love if you could stay for longer.” “I know,” I said, “but, you know, they want me back home in Dublin too. I’m just so popular, everyone wants to have me stay.”
My sister interjected, “Actually, I’d say Dan [our brother] could take you or leave you.”
Comfortable
My brother stayed with us on Saturday night. I stayed up until midnight arguing with him about the economy. Then I put him on the floor in a sleeping bag. During the night the air mattress deflated. The cat sat on his head. He asked whether there could have been two cats in the room. There could have been; the neighbour’s cat has worked out how the cat flap works. At 7, the cat began miaowing loudly and insistently for her breakfast. At 7.10 she was joined by Michael who got his breakfast and ate it beside his uncle’s inert body. When I came down at 9.30, I told my brother he had to get up as we were going out at 10.30 and if he wanted a lift, he would have to be ready. About 10.20, he said that he might just let us go and walk into town by himself later.
Shortly afterwards, I was speaking to my sister and asked her whether she had been speaking to my brother since his stay. “Did he say anything?” I asked. “Only that the sooner you got a new house, the better.”