Me: Daniel, shut the door behind you please.
Him: Slave driver!
Archives for July 2013
Poor Parenting
Daniel: I had a nightmare.
Me: What happened?
Daniel: I was playing the x-box and a monster came out and attacked me.
I fear we may have over-indulged somewhat on the x-box although, as all he plays is FIFA 13, I am at a loss to work out where the monster comes from. Insert your own joke about Arsène Wenger here.
Discomfiting the Middle Aged since 2003
My brother has a friend who is an actuary, I introduced him to my daughter thus, “This is your uncle’s friend, do you know what he does for a living? He works out when people will die.” He began to protest mildly but herself turned to him and said with great sangfroid, “You work in insurance then, do you?”
Keeping Track of Relatives
My friend to me: Poor Angelina Jolie, wasn’t she very brave all the same?
Me: Yes, wasn’t she?
Princess: Who is Angelina Jolie, wait, is she a cousin?
Sign of the Times
Mr. Waffle is reading Trollope. He was working his way through some 1980s edition of “Framley Parsonage” with learned notes by a professor of literature from somewhere distinguished. A note referred to a line quoted in the text stating “I have not been able to find the source of this quotation”. Total time taken by Mr. Waffle to find the source of the quotation on the internet: 30 seconds. We’re all experts now.
Why it’s not lost until your mother can’t find it
Daniel: Where are my shoes?
Me: Did you try your bedroom?
Him: Yes.
Me: Are you sure?
Him: Yes.
Me: If I go upstairs and find them in your bedroom, I will be displeased.
Him: I can’t find them.
I toil upstairs and find the shoes beside his bed.
Me: Dan, they were in your room right beside your bed – the most obvious place.
Him: Oh, I was looking in the unobvious places.