Reading etc.

I read Mariella Frostrup’s column in the Observer on Sundays wherein she offers advice on various problems.  This week’s problem is as follows:

“The dilemma: A friend of mine, going through a tough divorce from a man she’s been with for almost 20 years, wants me to be godmother to her son, who is four. She wants to have both her children (her daughter is almost six) baptised as Roman Catholics so they can secure places in the best local schools, which happen to be RC. She is an atheist and the kids’ father was baptised Catholic, but hasn’t practised for years. He sees the kids only every six weeks or so, as he lives abroad with the woman he left my friend for and has a demanding job. I am a Catholic and although I don’t practise as much as I should, it is something I believe in and, having been blessed with a great godmother, I take the role seriously. My friend says there are no other decent schools in the area and I’d hate to ruin the children’s chances, as I am very fond of them, but I don’t feel it’s right to promise to be godmother when I am pretty sure they are only being baptised to manipulate the system. I am worried about how to tell her this, so any advice would be much appreciated.”

Now, normally, I tend to more or less agree with Mariella’s advice.  This problem strikes me as a genuine one and, if I were the person asked to be godmother, I would find it a little difficult to know what to do.  So with one thing and another, I was interested to see what Mariella’s opinion might be.  I was surprised by her tone and her vehemence.  Now, tell me, am I allowing my “faith to justify a nasty streak of judgemental arrogance” or is Mariella being unfair to the catholics?  Her answer is below, I would be very interested to know what you think – particularly the atheists.

“Where have you claimed this extraordinarily elevated strip of moral high ground from? Am I missing something? Your friend has paid you a great compliment, is offering her children to the church despite her own misgivings, and you are thinking of turning her down? I’m struggling to understand your motivation. To tell you the truth, I’m struggling to understand why she has chosen you as a godparent. Are you the only Catholic she has ever met, aside from her estranged husband?

I may not be the best judge of Christian values, having a few reservations about the side effects of organised religion. Your condition – a disproportionate sense of your own moral superiority – is one of the most prevalent. Your letter confirms one of my worst fears: that some people allow their faith to justify a nasty streak of judgmental arrogance. Whether it’s Bin Laden on western civilisation or you on your friend’s religious conviction, neither is particularly palatable. It’s hard to comprehend how this family lacks the qualifications to join the congregation. You are in no position to comment on the children’s father’s commitment to Catholicism when you admit to failings of your own. Need I remind you of the oft-quoted, seldom-embraced ‘Let he who is without sin among you cast the first stone’? You’re busy hurling boulders at your pals while failing to live up to your own duties. Can you really be sure your good intentions justify your conviction that you are the superior believer? If every non-practising Catholic were struck off the register, you’d instantly halve the Vatican’s cache of souls. Isn’t your God the one who welcomes into his arms all sinners? Perhaps because he’s doing it you think you don’t need to.

As a Catholic you are no doubt aware that those poor little innocents aren’t welcome in the Kingdom unless baptised. This means that even in the worst-case scenario, where their morally promiscuous mother is merely paying lip service to Catholic teachings in order to get her kids an education, you still emerge a winner. You will have managed not only to play a part in their eventual reunion with their heavenly father, but increased the flock by two souls. Your attitude makes me wonder about your credentials to be a godparent. Your job is to ensure this four-year-old is instructed in the faith, not to question his mother’s motivation. Your moral outrage over the fact that she harbours ulterior motives deserves some scrutiny.

Bribery has always gone hand in hand with conversion and education is one of the biggest carrots on offer, whether it’s in the UK’s inner cities or an African village. If your friend is only going through with her children’s baptisms to cynically secure school places, she certainly won’t be the first or the last. She’s not unique in being enticed by gifts on earth to consider the bigger picture of securing a place in heaven. If all Christianity had ever offered was the promise of a semi in a pearly gated community in the afterlife, its converts would be sorely depleted.

Thankfully, people turn to religion for many reasons besides the arrogant presumption that being a Christian is better than being anything else. You should be delighted to have been asked, eager to embrace the opportunity to introduce your godson to the church you subscribe to, and determined to do all you can to help your friend through these difficult times. Were you capable of all or any of these, then perhaps your smug sense of moral superiority might have a little more justification.”

My husband points out to me that following this exercise, he has realised that I appear not to like three quarters of the books on our shelves. My sister-in-law says I am difficult to please. Looking at the list below, I think they may be right. Here are some of the books I have that I didn’t include in my favourite books list for NaBloPoMo. And also some that I should have and forgot. But mostly, they’re books I hate, yet won’t give away.

Albom, Mitch – I bought “The Five People you meet in Heaven” before boarding a plane because Waterstone’s had put one of those “our booksellers like” handwritten labels on it. It is the worst book I have ever read. Never trust Waterstone’s. I’d give it away to anyone.

Alcott, Louisa May – Fine but certainly not a favourite.

Ali, Monica – “Brick Lane” was not enjoyable. I just didn’t like it. I don’t care if my consciousness was raised.

Amis, Martin and Kingsley – Very readable, funny in places and, if their names began with Z, they would definitely have made the cut.

Auster, Paul – When “The New York Trilogy” came out, a number of my friends loved it. I did not. It is baffling.

Bainbridge, Beryl – I read “According to Queeney” and it was grand but I wouldn’t be rushing back for more.

Barker, Nicola – I read “Five Miles from Outer Hope” because it was set in the South West of England and I am very fond of that part of the world and in particular Burgh Island which is fabulous (though the food in the hotel is dear and bad, the hotel is absolutely wonderful). My sister used to work in Plymouth and I visited her there many times. It was a pity that she hated it and doesn’t like beaches. The book is literary and a bit tiring. Great setting though.

Barnes, Julian – A bit clever for his own good, isn’t he?

Bennett, Alan – I know everyone loves him. I don’t. He’s alright.

Bennett, Ronan – I actually really enjoyed “Havoc in its Third Year” but I’m reserving judgement until I’ve tried another book of his. He is has great potential to be gloomy, difficult and unrewarding.

Borroughs Augusten – “Running with Scissors” got such great reviews and it was so disappointing.

Byatt, A.S. – I did like “Possession” but it was so long I just couldn’t face rereading or trying anything else.

Burney, Fanny – I did like “Evelina” in a sort of “look, it’s famous, I’ve read it and it wasn’t too bad” kind of way. I’m not going to rush back for more.

Carey, Peter – I have read two books by Peter Carey. I am now sure that I do not like him.

Carter, Angela – Fine, I suppose. But not earth shattering.

Chevalier, Tracy – I got given one of her books “Falling Angels” by a friend. I felt it was one of those books that deliberately exploits the sentimental. I am sentimental. I don’t like that.

Cooper, Jilly – I finally read a Jilly Cooper. “Wicked” is rotten. I am devastated.

Coetzee, J.M. – Oh God, so hard and so depressing.

Cunningham Michael – I got a present of “Specimen Days” just before the boys were born and took it into hospital with me. It was too weird and science fictiony at the end (and I am a friend of science fiction). It was well written and something of a page turner so I suppose, not too bad when you are in labour. Not great either though.

De Bernieres, Louis – I don’t see it. Why does everyone love these dull, dull books with their twee characters? I bought Kathryn Flett’s “The heart-shaped Bullet” because I really enjoy her journalism but I didn’t like it all. The icing on the cake was when she described going on holidays with her ex-husband and reading bloody Captain Corelli. She felt that that the ex was dreadful because he couldn’t like that book. I really warmed to her ex at that point.

Eco, Umberto – Too hard. “The Name of the Rose” was OK but I am going to draw some sweeping conclusions on detective fiction later so wait for that.

Edwards, Kim – I am a sucker for things that look like they might be readable. I was bitterly disappointed with the best-selling “The Memory Keeper’s Daughter”. I won’t be trying her again.

Eliot, George – We did “Silas Marner” in school. Arguably, it’s not that great a book to do with teenage girls in a convent school. Anyhow, I knew where I stood with George Eliot until, some years later, I got chatting to a handsome man at a party who said “so many people are put off George Eliot because of ‘Silas Marner’ [it’s a standard text in Ireland], you have to read ‘Middlemarch’ it’s wonderful”. It’s not. Or, at least, not for me. And worse, I read it twice because I felt I might not have given it a fair hearing when I read it first. My sister-in-law sent me “The Mill on the Floss” on tape. Now I appreciate that that may not be entirely fair to the novel but it was quite enough to finally convince me that there will be no more George Eliot in my life, I’ve suffered enough.

Faulks, Sebastian – Am I the only person who found “Birdsong” tedious?

Franzen, Jonathan – Not for me thanks. You know, dysfunctional families, they’re fine but how many do you need?

Frazier, Charles – When the Princess was born, I took two books into hospital. One was the wonderful “What I loved” possibly my favourite grown-up book. The other was “Cold Mountain”. God, I hated that book. I don’t care about his trip home, I just wished he would bloody get there and it could all be over.

Fowles, John – I have only one comment on “The French Lieutentant’s Woman”. Why?

Garcia Marquez, Gabriel – I tried three of his books before washing my hands of magical realism for good.

Gaiman, Neil – Oh, so dreadfully disappointing. I had great hopes.

Golding, William – We did “The Lord of the Flies” in school. I can see that it is good. But I still don’t like it.

Gordimer, Nadine – Good. I suppose. But hard work and depressing.

Graves, Robert – Misfiled. I liked “Goodbye to all that” and the Claudius books.

Grisham, John – Dreadful.

Haddon, Mark – Misfiled. Only read “The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time” but enjoyed it.

Hardy, Thomas – I loved Hardy’s poems in school but I have never read any of his books. I was given “Jude the Obscure” on tape by my sister-in-law and it convinced me not to try the novels. I could be unconvinced, possibly.

Hollinghurst, Alan – God, wasn’t “The Line of Beauty” tedious?

Heller, Zoe – “Notes on a Scandal” was good but in a way that wouldn’t remotely tempt me to try any of her other work.

Kadare, Ismail – I’ve read a couple of his books because they sound so interesting and I like the Balkans. I think I’ll stop now though.

Kerouac, Jack – “On the Road” is tedious like a long, long trip in the back of the car.

Kundera, Milan – Unbearable. At length. Lots of sex

Kureshi, Hanif – Really unbearable. Lots of sex

LeCarre, John etc. – I have never tried one of Mr. Le Carre’s books. For some reason, I don’t like thrillers. I should because I love plot driven books but somehow thrillers don’t engage me. I have tried authors as various as Patricia Cornwall, Ruth Rendell, Michael Dibden, Rex Stout, Raymond Chandler and Kathy Reichs and I don’t like them. Mind you, I didn’t mind that Robert Harris thing “The Ghost” but I think that was mostly because I was thinking about Tony and Cherie.

Lee, Harper – Misfiled. Everyone loves “To Kill a Mockingbird”, including me.

Lee, Laurie – Don’t like him. Tried “Cider with Rosie” and “As I walked out one Midsummer morning” and I didn’t like him. I also usually blame him for “Fair Stood the Wind for France” but, in fact, that’s H.E. Bates.

Lessing, Doris – I have only read “Ben in the World” and it was brutal, to be honest. Perhaps not one of her happier works. Prepared to give a volume of her autobiography a go. Particularly since I bought it a couple of years ago and it is still in the pile beside my bed.

Lodge, David – Alright, I suppose, can be funny. But, if I’m looking for funny, I’d look elsewhere first.

Lurie, Alison – I feel that I should like Alison Lurie. I have only read “The War between the Tates” and it didn’t exactly encourage me to try anything else.

McCabe, Patrick – Just too weird and disturbing for me. Brilliant and all that but not nice.

McCourt, Frank – Twee.

Mantel, Hilary – I read “The Giant, O’Brien” and I could see that it was very good but I found it depressing and disturbing. Enough thanks.

Mitchell, David – Actually, “Black Swan Green” was very good but “Cloud Atlas”? I dunno.

Morrison, Toni – Now, there’s depressing.

Munro, Alice – I know I should like Alice Munro: short stories, domestic, beautifully written, but I just don’t.

Nabokov, Vladimir – “Lolita” is good but “Bend Sinister” has been waiting for my attention for a long time.

Nazeer, Kamran – Misfiled. A brilliant factual book about autism by an autistic author.

Niffinger, Audrey – I didn’t like “The Time Traveller’s Wife”, it was unconvincing and not for the reasons you might be entitled to expect.

Norton, Graham – I got a present of his autobiography. He’s from Cork, you know. He wrote the book himself (I mean it wasn’t ghosted, don’t be sarky) and it’s very, very good until he becomes famous. Then it’s dull.

O’Connor, Joe – I quite liked his early stuff, the funny books. I most emphatically did not like “Star of the Sea” and I have no intention of subjecting myself to “Redemption Falls” which in a way is a pity because he seems like such a nice man. In fairness, he never ever made anything of the fact that his sister is Sinead O’Connor even when she was famous and he was not. Is he more famous than she is now? I looked up one of his old books and, as far as I know, this is the only mention he ever made of her. It was his world cup diary:

“I am overjoyed to discover that there is a karaoke lounge directly beneath my bedroom. the fans are loudly singing hit songs and inserting the world ‘Ireland’ into them at every opportunity… the high point of the evening, for me, is when my dear sister Sinead’s poignant lament “Nothing Compares 2 U” is sublimely reinterpreted as “Nothing Compares 2 Phil Babb”.

Okri, Ben – I have been reading “The Famished Road” for well over a year. Maybe Ben and I should call it quits.

Orwell, George – Yeah “1984” and all that. Hmm.

Oz, Amos – Have only read his immensely depressing autobiography. I suppose I learnt a lot about Israel and Eastern Europe.

Pearson, Harry – Misfiled. “Tall Man in a Low Land” is the funniest book I have read about Belgium.

Picoult, Jodi – “My Sister’s Keeper” is very readable in an exploit the sentimental reader kind of way. “Vanishing Acts” didn’t even have the page turning thing for me. I’m full thanks.

Plath, Sylvia – I read “The Bell Jar” when I was in college. It’s that kind of book. Gloomy. I know, what do I expect?

Proulx Annie – “The Fishing News” had its moments but I didn’t think much of “Brokeback Mountain” and “Accordian Crimes” is very much at the bottom of my pile to read.

Pynchon, Thomas – “Vineland”, oh God, even the memory is painful.

Rushdie, Salman – Quite liked “Midnight’s Children” actually but not enough to want to try anything else.

Salinger, J.D. – I don’t like “The Catcher in the Rye”. Anyone else out there? Anyone at all?

Sebold Alice – I thought that “The Lovely Bones” was grim and not really very good either.

Sebold, W.G. – Too vague in Austerlitz, too detailed in “The Rings of Saturn. At least I can see why other people like him, even if I don’t go for him myself?

Sittenfield, Curtis – Wasn’t “Prep” a very smug novel?

Smiley, Jane – I did like “A Thousand Acres” though my knowledge of King Lear is not extensive [Why do you think my father calls me Goneril?]. I did not, however, enjoy “The All-True Travels and Adventures of Lidie Newton” and I’ve given up on her.

Smith, Zadie – “White Teeth”, very clever and insightful for a 22 year old or whatever but I did not love it.  I am heartless.  Didn’t even like it much.

Steinbeck, John – Is it bad to say that I think he’s a bit sentimental?

Strachey, Lytton (or do you think that’s actually a double- barrelled surname?) – Misfiled. “Eminent Victorians” is a fantastically entertaining read. In fact, I think I’m going to haul it out again and contemplate his destruction of Florence Nightingale over the weekend.

Tan, Amy – I read one of her earlier books and quite liked it in a mild way but I thought that “Saving Fish from Drowning” was disappointing.

Tartt, Donna – I came to “The Secret History” under the inexplicable misapprehension that it was going to be about the hidden histories of women over the centuries. After that, it took me a while to get into it and I never really stopped wondering when they were going to talk in more detail about the serving women at the Bacchanal and what their back stories were.

Tremain, Rose – I found “Music and Silence” a bit slow though I now know a lot more about Denmark. Since I’m touching on Denmark, I didn’t like “Miss Smilla’s Feeling for Snow” much either. Well, not after she went off on that boat about half way through, anyway.

Trevor, William – A brilliant writer who writes dreadfully depressing stories.  I’m sure he’s a very nice man.  Somebody should gather up the courage to tell him that the young people don’t smoke Sweet Afton any more, see “Felicia’s Journey” for details.

Tolstoy, Leo – “War and Peace” had much too much war and not enough peace. I found the descriptions of endless battles dreadfully tedious though, as my then boyfriend unkindly pointed out, I had an added element of excitement as I was unsure whether Napoleon would or would not take Moscow, something most readers might be expected to know.

White, Edmund – The beautiful room is completely empty.

Wolfe, Tom – “The Bonfire of the Vanities”? Please, no. Good title though.

My God, are you still here? Well done. As I went through this list, I kept thinking of other books that displeased me, but you will be delighted to hear that I decided that, surely, this is enough.

You may also have noticed that I haven’t included any poets. I don’t dislike all poets; I am saving them for next November.

Tomorrow, I will gather together your suggestions and maybe I’ll have read at least a selection by next year.