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Archives for December 2008

Santa Claus is coming to town

23 December, 2008
Posted in: Princess

Some days ago – The disadvantages of trying to always tell your children the truth about everything
Her: Daddy why is Santa Claus so called?

Him: Well, you know Saint Nicolas?

Her (impatiently): Yes.

Him: You know in Dutch he’s called Sinterklaas.

Her (more impatiently): Yes.

Him: Well when Dutch people moved to America, all the other Americans liked the sound of Sinterklaas but they couldn’t say it properly so they called him Santa Claus.

Her: So Santa Claus is really Saint Nicolas.

Him: Yes.

Her: And he’s a saint?

Him: Yes.

Her: What did he do?

Him: Saint Nicholas Myra, Saint Nicholas of Bari, pawnbrokers, balls down the chimney etc. etc.

Her: But this was all a long time ago?

Him: Yes, yes.

Her (to me): Is Santa Claus dead then?

Me: No, no, absolutely not.

Her: He came back from the dead then?

Me (rashly): Yes, yes, absolutely.

Her: But I thought Jesus was the only person who came back from the dead.

Me: And Santa Claus.

This evening – showing promise for a future legal career.
Her: Why does no one ever see Santa Claus?

Me: Because that’s the rule.

Her: If we went to a different judge, could we change the rule?

Weekend Round-up

22 December, 2008
Posted in: Cork, Family, Ireland

I decided to take the children to Cork for the weekend.  Thanks to the portable DVD player, the train journey passed off peacefully.  We took a taxi to my parents’ house.  The taxi man was horrible.  This is the first time I have ever had a horrible taxi man with the children.  Normally, I find they are very patient and tolerant and at this time of year, they tend to make polite enquiries about Santa Claus and are, generally, sweetness and light.  As I piled the children into the back seat, this man began revving the engine.  As any parent of young children will know, strapping them into their seats is a lengthy operation involving kicking and swearing.  Once they were in, I tried to get my bags in the boot but it was locked.  With a theatrical sigh, the man turned off the engine and came round to open the boot.

I sat in the front which, in retrospect, was a mistake.  After three hours in the train, the children were a little, um,  boisterous.  Daniel kicked the window handle.  “He’ll break it,” said the taxi man.  “Stop,” I said firmly to Daniel.  “He’s kicked it again,” the Princess announced primly.  I gave her my force ten glare to which she protested, all too audibly, “Don’t you want me to tell the man Daniel’s kicking the door?”  The taxi man then said grimly, “I’m not cranky [manifestly untrue] but, if you can’t control your children, I’m going to have to pull in and put you in the back with them.”  “Fine, pull in please,” I said while hissing at Daniel to, for God’s sake, stop kicking. “I am cranky!” said Daniel loudly [manifestly true].  We pulled in and I got into the back.  Daniel started screaming blue murder and lashing out all round him.  “He hit me,” whined the Princess.  “He hit me too, now hush,” I muttered to her.  Daniel continued screaming as I tried to get him on my lap and get a belt round both of us.  The taxi driver drove on.  I arrived at my parents’ house a shadow of my former self.  While I was not tipping the cranky taxi driver, the wretched mobile phone rang too.

I called round to my aunt that evening.

Aunt: What a lovely surprise to see you.

Me: Suitable reply.

Her: You’re looking..ok.

Me: Fit of giggles.

Her: Well, I used to say to people that they were looking great but they always say they have just recovered from flu or something so I have downgraded my compliments.

Later.

Aunt: I was at mass the other evening and I saw people filing up to communion and the thought slipped into my head “all bloody middle class”.

Me: But you’re middle class.

Her: I’m not.

Me: But you have a degree.

Her: Mmm.

Me: And you’re rich.

Her: But I feel working class.

Me: I’m not sure it works that way.

I come from a long line of eccentrics.

I note that the powers that be have demolished the “Western Star“, watering hole of generations of students.  My father used to drink there when he was in college.  He knew Starrie who inherited it from his parents, so it must have been there since, at least, the 1930s.  God, is nothing sacred?

My father was in unusually reminiscent form at the weekend.  When he was a small boy, in the late 1920s, he lived in South Pasadena for a number of years.  He remembers passing a valley that was all lit up at night because they were making a film; the ice man coming with his enormous block of ice that was put in the bottom of the ice box with a fork; coming home to Ireland on the boat and going outside in Halifax and seeing the rigging all frozen.  Truly, the past is another country.  I would love to hear more of these stories but my father is not one to talk very much about his past.  Usually, when you ask him, he says “I forget and goes back to his paper in a marked manner.”

We went to the Lough to feed the ducks, as is our custom when in Cork.  They were hungry.  Every bird in the place came hurtling towards us.  Michael got bitten on the hand by a swan who was unhappy with the speed of bread delivery.   The seagulls flapped their wings aggressively in my face.  Daniel got chased by some greedy pigeons.  Only the Princess came through unscathed.  I told her that when my great uncle Dan, her grandad’s uncle was a boy, the Lough used to freeze and people used to go skating there.  We still have his skating boots in the attic.  My prudent daughter observed that this must have been very dangerous as the ice might have frozen unevenly.  That girl is her father’s daughter.

Michael, despite absence of any sign of a temperature, spent the day lying down at inopportune moments moaning that he was sick.  After I had put them to bed, I began to worry and decided to lay in Calpol.  Driving around Cork the Saturday before Christmas looking for a late night pharmacist to sell me Calpol, I felt vaguely envious of the scantily clad young girls laughing outside pubs in the drizzle.  I eventually tracked down Calpol at the 24 hour Tesco in Bishopstown (something I immensely disapprove of but needs must) and stood glumly in a queue at 11 at night with huge numbers of unfestive shoppers.  All this for a boy who subsequently asked me to “stop kissing me all the time.”  Kind Daniel explained that “it’s bold for Michael but nice for me.”  At least I am still permitted to kiss one of my sons.

Train ride home was too hideous to describe in detail but we had to wait an hour and a bit in the station which more or less entirely exhausted the children’s goodwill towards travelling.  By the time we arrived in Dublin Daniel and the Princess were roaring and hitting each other, Michael was lying in the aisle muttering that he was sick, I was hissing, cajoling and apologising and the occupants of the crowded train were ignoring us as best they could, God help them.

The Walworth Farce

21 December, 2008
Posted in: Reading etc.

We went to see this last week.  I think that much more of this culture stuff could kill me.  Mr. Waffle maintains that I remained stony faced because of the Cork accents (not bad at all) but I would suggest it was because of the deeply disturbing themes explored in the play.  OK, it may have had its comic moments also.  Not for me but clever.  Remained resolutely seated as the rest of the audience rose to their feet; regretted that we had seats in the front row, though.

Cupboard love

17 December, 2008
Posted in: Boys, Michael, Princess

Michael:  Are we going to grandma and grandad’s house?

Me: Not today, sweetheart.

Him: Hysterical sobs.

Me: Why do you want to see grandma and grandad so badly?

Him: Because their house is warm.  I’m always freezing here.

As you can tell, the insulation crisis continues unchecked.

I was relating this hilarious tale to a colleague and she became very concerned on my behalf.  I was bemused; when I was a child it was completely normal to be frozen all the time, I used to have to get dressed under the blankets in the mornings.  This Celtic Tiger has a lot to answer for.

Meanwhile, herself is busy practising for the nativity play: “Ní raibh aon leaba le fáil do Mhuire agus Iosaef” [Go on, non-Irish speakers, guess what it means using only your knowledge of infant nativitiy plays as a guide]. You may care to consider this in plain clothes (not quite the right text) or dress rehearsal version.

Seasonal Setpiece

15 December, 2008
Posted in: Family

On Saturday we got the Christmas tree.

When I was a child we had an artificial Christmas tree which my parents had bought for their first Christmas together.  Forty one years later they still have that tree though it has had to be repaired with tin foil a number of times.   Nobody can say that they haven’t had value for it.  I hated that tree and I vowed that, once I had a house of my own, I would always have a real tree.

The trip up to the shop to choose the tree was marred by herself insisting that she wanted to cycle up.  The boys piled into the car and I walked up beside her muttering moodily that if she got tired of cycling uphill, I wasn’t going to carry the bike.

There was one Christmas tree left when we got to the shop.  We took it.  When we got it home and unwrapped it from its net, it turned out to boast particularly dense and luxuriant foliage around its midriff and none at all at its legs.  We manhandled it into the appropriate space and it stuck out its fingers into all of the surrounding area, dislodging papers and poking books and small children, even as I write, it is hanging menacingly over my left shoulder.

The children were very excited and instantly began decorating without allowing time to stand the tree up straight, remove the overhanging branches or take off their coats.  Mr. Waffle and I became a little tense and started barking at them to stand back.  They got cross back.

I put on a CD of Christmas music but Daniel insisted that we took it off and put on “Peter and the Wolf” instead.  Fine, fine, fine.

We chopped at the tree.  The Princess screamed.  Her father ordered her out to sit on the stairs and think about her sins.  Her brothers, ever her loyal defenders, hurled themselves at the door yelling “my sister, my sister, let my sister in”.  Mr. Waffle and the Princess departed to do the grocery shopping, the boys entertained themselves with a book and I finished off decorating the misshapen tree.  I asked the boys to turn off the lights which they did with great glee and the three of us spent 2.5 seconds looking at the lights before the boys whizzed back round the room and turned all the lights on again.

Sigh.

Slightly disturbing

12 December, 2008
Posted in: Boys, Daniel, Michael, Princess

Princess: You may kiss the bride.

Me: Eh?

Her: Who says that?

Me: The priest when people get married.

Her: I want to kiss a boy.

Me: You can kiss your brothers whenever you want.

Her: Another boy.

Me: Is this what you talk about at school.

Her: Yes.

Ladies and gentlemen, the child is five.

In other news, I have captured Daniel (with some interference) doing bits from Peter and the Wolf.  Only the really enthusiastic will want to follow all of these links.

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