These are the instructions we received from our neighbours on feeding their cats while they are away getting married. I like cats, but is this a little excessive?

There are two cats, T & B. T is the large tabby (ex-male). B is the smaller black-and-white one (ex-female), with a necklace round her neck saying “B”. T is on a diet & is perpetually hungry. Inside the bag is a measuring glass, with “T” marked on it & a maximum level. The maximum level is for one day. For each meal, two rows of biscuits in the bottom of the glass are enough. (T doesn’t think so, but we know it). T will always eat all of his food & then try and eat B’s food as well, when she has finished eating. Therefore, while B is eating, you have to stay in the kitchen & watch her. When she has finished
(& she never eats everything in the bowl) put the bowl on top of the cupboard out of reach of T. If T manages to eat some of B’s food despite your precautions, deduct the amount he ate from his next meal.
B:
Inside the bag is a measuring glass, with “B” marked on it & a
maximum level. The maximum level is for B for one day. Since B never eats very much at one time, you might as well give her the maximum amount in her bowl all at once. When she has stopped eating, put the bowl out of reach. When she comes back in the kitchen asking for food, put the bowl down for her again, making sure T doesn’t get any. No need to throw away the biscuits she doesn’t eat. Just add more biscuits. She will eat everything eventually.  In the same cupboard where the food is, there is a box of vitamin pills &
little bags of anti-hairball treats. You can give each cat one of each of these each day, if you want to.

Catcare

They both like being stroked & played with. There are brushes and toys for them in the top second drawer from the right in the big chest of drawers in the hall.

Enjoy.

There was a time in my life when I used to get the FT on my desk every morning. It wasn’t exactly essential to my job, but it made me feel important, and I used to flick through it in a somewhat desultory fashion.  The only things I consistently read were Lucy Kellaway and Martin Lukes.  Imagine my surprise on discovering that the Martin Lukes column is actually written by the fabulous Ms. Kellaway.  To give you a mild flavour of the wonderfulness of Ms. Kellaway see extract below on childrearing which the best dressed diplomat forwarded me from Ms. Kellaway’s article last Monday:

1. We cannot all have deeply marvellous husbands. if you do not happen to have one, do not worry: a marvellous nanny works just as well.

2. Make sure you have got a lot of money. Not coping when you have money is a lot easier than not coping when you
have not.

3. Take care over the genetic make-up of your children. Seven placid ones are a lot easier than one volatile tearaway.

4. Never wonder if your work-life balance is right, never read books about how others cope. This will only make you anxious and guilty.

5. Always try to renew your children’s passports the moment they expire. If you have to do it in a hurry, then try to get their names right.

6. Except in emergencies, avoid helping your children with their homework. The idea is that they learn the periodic table, not you.

7. Above all, remember that socks can be a huge source of stress. Six collections of socks can make the life of
the stay-at-work mum a veritable nightmare. I have found that if you abandon the bourgeois convention that people need their own socks, or that the two need to match, life is very, very much easier.

And good news, I see from my friend the internet that [Lucy’s Kellaway’s]�book.. Martin Lukes: Who Moved My BlackBerry(TM) is published in July 2005 by Penguin.  Hah, Harry Potter eat your heart out, I’m off to pre-order on Amazon.

For the literary types:
Salinger, 33, seeks Sagan.
For the weird:
There’s enough lithium in my medicine cabinet to power three electric cars across a sizeable desert. I’m more than aware that this isn’t actually a selling point, but nonetheless it’s my favourite statistic about me.  Man, 33 – officially Three Cars Craazy.
Box no.07/10

I mean, really, is he honestly hoping for a bulging postbag?
Yeah, ok, I’d prefer him to Salinger seeking Sagan as well, but I’m not sure that he’s selling his best points..

Meanwhile the organisers of the bottle of champagne prize for best personal ad are out of control, see this:
“Box no. 07/08 sent a complimentary letter with her ad, so she gets the champagne this issue and also sets a precedent for others to follow. Ads are 80 pence per word, but manners and pathetic grovelling cost you nothing.”